my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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