I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
