She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
