mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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