that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
