Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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