So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
