I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
