Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize