Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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