you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
