Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
