Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
