Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
