I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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