Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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