he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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