well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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