I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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