my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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