new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
