You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
