You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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