Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
