OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
