You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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