He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
