3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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