so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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