She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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