Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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