Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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