At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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