At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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