I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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