There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
