my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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