I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
