So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
