You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
