if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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