I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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