When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
only you would photoshop your dick
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
