I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
