someone get that fucking seahorse.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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