Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
