And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
