HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
