man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Less talking, more tequila
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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