forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I could fuck to npr.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
