Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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