my phone needs a breathalizer
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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