I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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