GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
