I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
