This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
