Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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