the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
