This is not my ceiling
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
