for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
