A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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